How to deal with a narcissist dad

Interest in the concept of narcissism has exploded over the past few years, with particular focus on the impact of the trait on friendships and family relationships.

Commonly understood to describe braggarts with an inflated sense of their own importance and uniqueness, narcissism is the subject of thousands of search terms, hashtags and articles, as well as studies positing an explosion of narcissism in the 21st century.

The number of discussion groups focused on narcissistic relationships, especially those involving parents, indicates the concept has captured something in the current zeitgeist. On just one site—social question and answer website Quora—there are dozens of threads relating to narcissistic parents.

"There's no evidence that narcissism is on the rise. What there is evidence of is that we have much larger megaphones on social media that provide more opportunities to express it," says Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School and author of Rethinking Narcissism.

Narcissism is not a diagnosis, but a trait, Malkin tells Newsweek, one that is characterized by the drive to feel special, exceptional or unique to the extent that some will "lie, steal, cheat or do whatever it takes to feel special."

While many people have some narcissistic characteristics, psychiatrists say the number of people at the extreme end of the spectrum is small. A 2018 review of the evolution of narcissism as a clinical diagnosis found that the overall mean prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder was 1.2 percent.

A Complex Set of Characteristics

Narcissists are frequently characterized by the "three Es," according to Malkin. Exploitation leads them to do whatever it takes to feel special; entitlement allows them to take whatever they want; and empathy impairment makes them less likely to understand or take into account the feelings of others.

"Every single bad behavior that is measured is explainable according to those clear factors," Malkin explains.

There are a number of ways of defining narcissism. Classic extrovert narcissists are known for being critical, pompous, grandiose and willful. Covert or introverted narcissists can have an equally malign impact on those that are close to them, although they are more likely to express negative feelings about themselves. Hypersensitive and often depressed, they are more likely to demonstrate more psychiatric symptoms openly, Malkin says.

"They feel pain, ugly, and more misunderstood than the other 8 million people on the planet," he says. "They are impaired because they are too invested in finding ways to maintain that special sense of self to really think about another person."

At the same time, narcissists run the spectrum from low to extremely disordered, and it is the middle ground that is a more common source of conflict in parent-child relationships. Those in the subtler range can be arrogant and lose sight of others' needs, but can sometimes have flashes of empathy, Malkin says. And this is where adult children of narcissistic parents can encourage less self-centered traits, focusing on "we" and "us," rather than "I."

"What we know from the research shows that if you do things to light up the neural paths, such as showing pictures of people taking care of babies, that communal activation also triggers things like empathy," he says. "It's an invitation to react in a healthier way. If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, you can try an empathy prompt."

Speaking from a vulnerable place may also help engage an empathetic response in a narcissistic parent. Malkin gives the example of a client whose mother regularly criticizes her weight and appearance. Letting a parent know how influential and devastating such behavior is both appeals to the parent's sense of importance and shares the impact, often helping to prompt empathy, he says.

Maintaining Boundaries

At the same time, children of narcissistic parents need to be prepared for the possibility that those on the more disordered end of the spectrum will not react well to such prompts.

"It is healthy for us to communicate like that and know where the boundaries are," Malkin says. At the same time, it is important to set out a "connection contract" with narcissistic parents, establishing that name calling or abusive behavior will end the conversation. Such contracts can exert influence, because most people don't like to be perceived as predictable, he says.

The next step for those in a narcissistic relationship with a parent could be limiting contact altogether. This involves looking out for what Malkin describes as the "three stop signs"—emotional or physical abuse, such as gaslighting, psychopathy, and denial. All three are reasons to seek support leaving or getting protection from the relationship.

Support groups and therapists can be helpful in this regard. "If you are not quite sure there is any possibility of having a close relationship with this person, adjust your expectations," Malkin says. "You can have an unreliable narcissistic parent, the mistake people make is they keep setting themselves up to be enraged."

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