How do you deal with a narcissistic mother

Dealing with a narcissistic mother 

After going through the signs mentioned above, if you think you have a narcissistic mother, here are some tips and suggestions to help you cope with her. Before you get started, be warned that dealing with narcissistic parents is no walk in the park. However, doing nothing about it also is not an option as it can be damaging.

1. Stay calm

Emotional reaction to her narcissistic behavior can only help in aggravating the situation. Often, they say things to trigger a response from you and use it to further their agenda. Don’t fall for this. Keep calm.

2. Plan your responses

She is so cunning and scheming that you can never aspire to catch up to her. She always manages to get you exactly where she wants. To avoid this, you can plan your responses to her triggers. Of course, she will go a step further and invent new ones. You need to be constantly on your toes to keep up to her in this.

3. Set boundaries

This may help with some narcissistic mothers but in most cases, it won’t. She will just ignore your boundaries and walk all over you. Despite its high chance of failure, this is something you should try and see whether it works.

For more on this topic, see our article on setting boundaries with toxic parents.

4. Learn to let go

Narcissistic behavior is not your fault. Often, it is neither your mother’s as she is suffering from a personality disorder. Accept the facts and try not to take her words, behavior, and actions to heart. Whatever she says about you isn’t true. It is just her sick mind talking.

5. Maintain some distance

A narcissistic mother preys on whoever she can get hold of. So, stay as far away from her as possible. This may not be easy if you are young and need to depend on her. Use your ingenuity to come up with innovative ideas to stay out of her way. 

6. Take steps to boost your morale

The words and actions of a narcissistic mother will sting a lot when your confidence and self-esteem are low. Work on them and take steps to raise them to normal levels. This will ensure that the wounds are not as deep and as painful. You can also find distractions such as hobbies to keep yourself from pondering on this problem.

7. Get help 

You may not be able to deal with this on your own, especially if the affliction is severe. You can approach a trusted person to help you figure out how to deal with your narcissistic mother. The ideal people to approach for this are your friends, teachers, other family members, or colleagues. 

Reading up and understanding more about this mental condition can help you choose the right response to the situation you are in. Talking to a good therapist can also help.

Bottom line

Even as you figure out your response, you need to be aware of the “don’ts” when dealing with a narcissistic mother. Don’t point out her mistakes, don’t try to fix her, don’t compare her to others, or don’t expect an apology from her. Don’t expect her to change.

You should take care not to blame yourself or hurt yourself. Just remember that wherever she is saying is from her make-believe world and it has got nothing to do with the real you or the reality.

If you’re living with an unsupportive parent, there are some things you can do to protect yourself and enjoy life despite their presence. Our guide to deal with toxic parents when you live with them may be of interest to you.

Related: 

• Narcissism and Codependency Checklist
• Narcissistic Marriage Problems
• How to Leave a Narcissistic Marriage
• How to Take Control Away from a Narcissist
• How To Respond To A Narcissist Text Message
• How To Make A Narcissist Fear You

Coping with a narcissistic mother is no walk in the park.

She loves to push your buttons. She also believes she has to break someone down in order to get her way. So dealing with her is a nightmare.

Still, there are some coping strategies you can adopt in order to handle your mother better (if no contact is not an option).

But first, let’s look at what narcissism is, and how to know if your mother is narcissistic.

What is Narcissism?

Everyone has some narcissistic traits and needs. In a healthy form, it’s simply self-love or self-worth.

But in a pathological form, it turns into a sense of grandiosity, a lack of empathy for others, and a constant, exhausting need for praise and attention.

Narcissism is a serious personality disorder with specific criteria. Most people who exhibit narcissistic traits would not meet a clinical definition of a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Still, a mother with narcissistic traits can be just as damaging as someone with an NPD diagnosis.

For more on the subject read 20 Fascinating Questions and Answers About Narcissism

18 Signs Your Mother Is a Narcissist

Your mother is a narcissist if she:

• never admits fault, apologizes, or accepts a different point of view
• demands total admiration and obedience from her children
• unfavorably compares you to other children or siblings
• puts her needs first
• gives you cold shoulder whenever you show independence
• says hurtful and derogatory things when she’s mad at you
• obsessed with her public image
• is hypersensitive to any criticism or the slightest display of defiance
• tries to make you feel guilty for all the things she does for you
• is loving one minute, only to turn vicious the next
• hypercritical of everything you do
• is jealous of you and threatened by your success
• punishes you with the silent treatment to teach you a lesson
• minimizes or ignores your accomplishments
• has difficult relationships with most people in her life
• disregards your wishes and undermines you as a parent
• could be described as arrogant, self-centered, and entitled
• is totally oblivious to the pain she causes.

Related: 20 Heartbreaking Signs of a Manipulative Mother

More on the subject: 6 Types of Parents Who Don’t Love Their Children

In a narcissistic mother-child dynamic, the mother is often unable to acknowledge (let alone meet) her child’s needs because her needs are always bigger, more pressing, and more important.

She places enormous expectations on her offspring: expectations that can crush a child’s spirit and make them doubt their self-worth.

And when they fail to meet them, or when they openly defy her, a narcissistic mother will use emotionally abusive tactics to punish them or put them in line.

More Signs Your Mother Is Narcissistic

Coping Strategies for Dealing With a Narcissistic Mother

1. Avoid reacting to bad behavior

The last thing you want to do when dealing with a narcissistic mother is to get upset or angry.

Narcissistic mothers often look for a reaction so they can escape responsibility and blame it all on you.

They use manipulative tactics like toxic amnesia, gaslighting, projection, etc. to make you emotional. Sometimes they’ll deliberately push on your “hot buttons” to provoke anger from you.

After you snap, your mother will happily play the victim, claiming that you overreacted or that you attacked her out of nowhere.

2. Try to empathize

While you should never excuse her bad behavior, sometimes it can be helpful to at least try to feel compassion for her.

Narcissist’s inner world is fragile, chaotic, and torturous. In other words, they’re deeply unhappy people. But because they lack insight into their own psyche, they’re incapable of seeing how their actions are the reason for their discontent.

So for your own peace of mind, adopt a compassionate approach. It’s better to think “I feel sorry for her” than “I hate her.”

3. Refuse to argue

Arguing with a narcissistic mother is futile because she’s incapable of seeing anyone else’s point of view, and she’s a pathological liar.

So she will invent facts to support her argument, re-write history, and twist your words.

You may think that if you catch your mother in a lie, you’ll win. But that’s not the case. She’ll just come up with new ways to evade accountability.

So arguing with her is like stepping into quicksand. The more you fight and resist her narrative, the deeper you get sucked in.

4. Maintain your position with quiet confidence

Whatever crazy nonsense is thrown at you, stick to your guns. Reiterate your point of view without the need for her to agree with you.

This is easier said than done. Growing up with a narcissistic mother, you have deep-seated subconscious conditioning to seek her approval, validation, and love.

So even when you have an argument with her, you still want her to see your point, to validate you in some way. This is NOT going to happen.

Narcissistic logic and sense of reality are extremely warped. So they are typically incapable of seeing anything objectively.

If you understand that, it’ll be easier for you to give up your need for your mother to agree with you.

5. Depersonalize

When interacting with a narcissistic mother, try to depersonalize her behavior. That will allow you to practice emotional detachment.

Focus your mind on the phrase: This is not about me.

Whatever she’s projecting on you originates from her own inner turmoil.

In other words, she was this way long before you came into the picture.

And even if she’s using you as a dump for all her negativity while treating your sibling differently, it’s still not about you.

6. Take your time

If you are put on the spot to do something, give your mother noncommittal phrases that buy you some time.

For example, “I’m not sure about that. Let me think about it.”

A narcissistic mother has a lot of demands and expectations for her children. Not only do they owe her admiration and undying gratitude, but they also have to do everything she says.

So there’s a million favors and errands your mother will spring on you. And if your first impulse is to agree just to appease her, you might be dealing with a lot of resentment down the road.

So don’t say “yes” unless you mean it. That way you can avoid agreeing to something you will regret later.

7. Work on your confidence

You may be a competent and intelligent person, but growing up with a narcissistic mother takes a toll on a person.

Specifically, many people who have a narcissistic parent develop a highly critical inner voice. You have it too, don’t you?

It may be difficult for you to be proud of yourself, or to take pleasure in your accomplishments. Or you may be too hard on yourself when you make a mistake or fail in some way.

That’s because you’ve internalized your mother’s voice, and now it’s in your head.

There’s no overnight fix for this but learning to accept yourself just as you are goes a long way.

Also, cognitive-behavior therapy could be tremendously helpful in recognizing “faulty programming” and rewiring your brain to think differently.

8. Set limits

If you have a narcissistic mother, you’re probably used to being denigrated, ignored, or devalued. You may even have a flush of anxiety whenever you have to be around your mother.

While many will tell you to just let her comments “roll off your back,” I find this to be a bit of dubious advice. To some degree, yes, you should ignore what she says, and you can let some random insulting remark slide.

But if you’re subjected to emotional abuse on a regular basis, that shouldn’t be ignored or tolerated.

You can try something Dr. Craig Malkin calls a “connection contract.” This is when you lay out the terms of your agreement to spend time with a narcissist, and what happens if the narcissist violates this agreement.

This sounds complicated but it’s really simple.

Say, your narcissistic mother invites you to dinner. You say: I’d really like to come, but if I hear yelling (cursing, heavy drinking, insults, etc.), I will not be able to stay. So it’s really up to you if I come to dinner and spend time with you.

Be very clear and specific about the behaviors you won’t tolerate. This way you’re putting the responsibility on her to hold up her end of the bargain. If she fails and you leave, it’s on her.

9. Make peace with the fact that you have a narcissistic mother

This is one of those things you may be struggling with your whole life.

Or not. Maybe you’re ready to let go of the hurt and accept the fact that for whatever reason, maybe in an act of some cruel cosmic joke, you have a narcissistic mother.

I’d like to think that everything happens for a reason, and the parents we have are not randomly chosen. Somehow dealing with them, just like dealing with any difficult people in our lives, is meant to teach us something. To help us grow.

That’s if you see things from a spiritual perspective.

But even if you don’t, you can still find peace with the fact that you didn’t have a mother who loved you unconditionally, or a normal childhood where you didn’t feel invisible or not good enough.

You can still love your mother, even with all her glaring faults.

You can still forgive your other parent for not protecting you from her.

And you can still find love and connection with other people in your life.

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