Signs that your husband is cheating on you

If you’ve ever noticed signs of cheating coming from your partner, then you likely know the awful, gut-wrenching feeling that something isn’t right. Signs of a cheating husband or wife can be large or small, obvious or subtle. It doesn’t help that identifying and making sense of these indicators is usually difficult, thanks to the emotions involved and the fact that cheating “isn’t always black and white,” explains Samantha Burns, L.M.H.C., couples therapist and author of Breaking Up and Bouncing Back. “Cheating can be both physical and emotional, and involves breaking the covert or overt boundaries of your relationship.”

“Since cheating is cloaked in secrecy, the person is doing their best not to arouse suspicion in their partner,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Lesli Doares, author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage. “The cheater’s goal is to not get caught and then have to deal with the consequences. They strive to make everything appear normal.”

At the same time, people tend to draw conclusions about their partner based on their pre-existing beliefs, says psychologist Paul Coleman, Psy.D., author of Finding Peace When Your Heart Is In Pieces. So if you tend to be a trusting person, it can be easy to mistake the less-obvious signs of cheating for more harmless red flags instead.

Keep an out for these warning signs below; noticing just one may not be a surefire sign of an unfaithful partner, but if you check multiple off this list, it may be time to have a vulnerable chat. After all, if they have nothing to hide, they should be more than happy to put your fears to rest.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

They’re suddenly unreachable.

Again, a change is the big factor. If your partner has a job that makes it tough to reach them during certain hours of the day, it doesn’t mean they’re cheating. But if you’re suddenly struggling to reach them when you could in the past, and it’s a consistent issue, that should raise a red flag.

“Cheaters need privacy and blocks of uninterrupted time,” Coleman points out. “Someone engaged in an ongoing affair must be periodically unreachable.” After all, they don’t want to risk you hearing suspicious voices or background noises.

Their schedule changes with no good explanation.

Most people have predictable schedules, and even if their schedule changes, there’s usually a reason that makes sense. “Someone who must ‘work late’ all of a sudden at times that go beyond a reasonable explanation may be cheating,” Coleman says.

That’s especially true if this keeps happening when your partner has no new job, promotion, or project they’re working on.

Their friends don’t seem as friendly as they used to be.

JGI/Jamie GrillGetty Images

Cheaters tend to be less careful about covering their tracks in front of friends versus you. And, of course, people tend to confide in their friends. As a result, “there is a good chance your partner’s friends may know what’s really going on before you do,” Coleman says. Those friends may end up feeling uneasy and anxious around you because they know something you don’t.

They have a decrease—or increase—in libido.

JGI/Tom GrillGetty Images

It’s more common for cheaters to decrease the frequency of sex at home, given that they’re getting it elsewhere, Coleman says. But sometimes they try to have sex more at home. “Guilt-ridden people may increase lovemaking,” Coleman says. “Some will do so to cover their tracks. But some may do so to satisfy a partner so that the partner will not be seeking sex at a later time when the cheater knows he or she won’t be available.”

Related: The Easiest Way to Break a Relationship Rut

They’re suddenly paying more attention to their appearance.

SurkovDimitriGetty Images

Sometimes people decide to focus on their appearance as part of a New Year’s resolution or choose to start a new fitness routine for health reasons—but they’re usually pretty open about it.

“The reasons and timing must make sense,” Coleman says. If your partner is suddenly wearing cologne or spending a lot of money on new clothes, and it was never their thing in the past, it’s “not unreasonable to inquire why,” Coleman says. If their answer doesn’t make sense, it should raise a red flag.

Related: The Most Common Reasons for Divorce, According to Real Women Who Lived It

Their phone habits change.

Mladen ZivkovicGetty Images

This can include a range of things, like changing their password or keeping their phone on them all the time when they used to leave it sitting out.“

In committed partnerships, it’s not uncommon to know your partner’s password or be able to pick up their phone to look something up on the internet or snap a cute picture if your phone isn’t nearby,” says Burns. “If your partner seems possessive over their phone, or gets mad when you ask to use it, they may be hiding something.”

They’re engaging in suspicious activity on social media.

Prostock-StudioGetty Images

Social media behaviors such as following provocative accounts or people they don’t know, or engaging with suggestive posts may be a warning sign of cheating, but is also a behavior that falls into a “gray area of infidelity” in itself, Burns explains.

If you mention your concern to your partner and they “belittle you, or tell you that you’re being too sensitive, this is a red flag that they don’t respect you and will likely keep doing these behaviors,” says Burns. Additionally, continued behavior of this type sometimes becomes a “slippery slope” that leads to an affair.

They just seem to be around less than usual.

Cheaters have to make time for their fling—and that time usually comes from time you once spent together. “Also, if the affair has gone on for a while, there may be demands placed upon them by their paramour to spend more time together,” Coleman says.

Again, it’s perfectly OK and expected to ask your partner what’s going on when they’re suddenly not around as much as usual.

What they say and what actually happens does not add up.

“This is often how cheaters get caught,” Doares says. Maybe your partner says they needed to do something that doesn’t add up, or someone they say they were with slips that they weren’t. “The truth is easy but lies are hard to keep straight,” she says. “Objective evidence supports truth but often conflicts with lies.”

They don’t disclose details of their day anymore.

Jose Luis Pelaez IncGetty Images

People usually share intimate details of their day with their partner. But when they’re cheating, that tends to shift to the new fling, Mayer says. As a result, they end up telling you less. Remember: “In committed relationships it is normal to tell your partner where you’ll be, who will be there, and what time you’re expecting to be home,” Burns explains. “If your partner is dodging these questions, or you find out they aren’t where they said they’d be or with someone different, then your suspicions might be justified.”

Related: How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship

They get defensive when you ask why certain things have changed.

Relationships change and evolve, but this should be something you can talk about as a couple. “If there is an innocent explanation for why some things have changed there is no need for defensiveness,” Coleman says. A cheater may answer a question with a question, like “Why do you ask?” or “Why is that important?” because they need more time to come up with an answer they can get away with, he says.

Related: 7 Signs You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

They start giving you more gifts than usual.

Of course, loving partners give gifts. But cheaters take this to the next level to cover their tracks, Coleman says. It can be a way of reassuring you that they love you and are devoted to you “so that any subtle sign of cheating the partner uncovers can be readily dismissed as something ‘they would never do,’” he says.

Or they’re suddenly really critical of you.

Clara NeuimieGetty Images

There’s something called cognitive dissonance that’s an uncomfortable state of inner anxiety and tension created when a person’s attitude about something (cheating is wrong) is the opposite of what they’re actually doing (cheating anyway), Coleman says.

To try to reduce that inner tension, they may try to justify their cheating by trying to convince themselves that you’re the problem. And that can come out as being hypercritical of you out of nowhere.

The relationship issues you’ve had in the past don’t seem to be there anymore.

Every couple has some kind of issue that keeps surfacing. If it suddenly goes away, and there seems to be no reason for it, you should be concerned.

“This can be a sign of cheating or just that your partner has given up trying and is looking for a way out,” Doares says. A big sign that something is off with this: The tension isn’t there anymore, but you don’t feel connected either.

They accuse *you* of cheating.

This is a weird but common habit of cheaters—and there are a few reasons for it, Coleman says. By making your alleged behavior the issue, it puts you on the defensive and takes the focus off of them. It can also make you less likely to speak up about things that seem off because you don’t want to upset them, given that they’re already “worried” that you’re cheating. And it also gives them a reason to say they need “time away to think,” a.k.a. meet up with their lover.

They’re really on top of your schedule.

JGI/Jamie GrillGetty Images

It can feel a little odd when your partner keeps asking when you will and won’t be home—and it should. “The cheater needs to know the time slots when they can have the freedom and flexibility to spend time with their new romantic interest,” Mayer says. “They work hard not to get caught.”

You just have a gut feeling.

Witthaya PrasongsinGetty Images

“In general, if your gut, a.k.a your intuition, is telling you something is wrong, it usually is,” Burns notes. “Our intuition is a superpower for survival that picks up on tiny clues or sensing when something feels off, so if this warning bell is going off in your body, then pay attention!” In a healthy relationship your partner should listen and be understanding when you raise your concerns, and work with you to help ease your fears and feel more secure moving forward.

Bottom line: If your partner is showing any of these signs, or things just don’t feel right to you, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask what’s going on, Mayer says. Hopefully, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

How to deal with signs of cheating

If you notice signs of a cheating partner or have solid evidence of cheating, your emotional response may make it difficult to confront your partner, but it’s important these feelings (and your partner's behaviors) are addressed.

Find a calm moment to speak with your partner about your concerns and give them a chance to do the same, and offer an explanation for their behaviors, real or perceived. “Communication is key for the success of any relationship,” Burns explains. “If they get defensive, blame you, or focus angrily on how you obtained this information, this is a red flag that your partner won’t be honest, won’t take accountability, or won’t put in the work to repair the relationship.”

If your suspicions of cheating are confirmed, you’ll have to make an important decision about the future of the relationship. There’s no one correct answer, but it’s worth noting that depending on the circumstances “couples can absolutely come out stronger on the other side of infidelity,” Burns says. “It requires a lot of work and communication, usually aided by couples therapy and individual therapy,” which will help you both learn to heal and rebuild trust.

What are 3 signs of a cheating spouse?

What are the first signs of a cheating husband?

What to do when you suspect your husband is cheating?

How does a man act if he is cheating?